Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Friday, July 14, 2006
Email myths!!!
Thanks to so many of you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
My thanks also to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open, for the same reason.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will all change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates of Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387th time.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it is so harmful, it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking another person along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
My thanks also to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open, for the same reason.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will all change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates of Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387th time.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it is so harmful, it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking another person along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Watch and Learn: The 10 Greatest Business Movies You've Never Seen
1. The Apartment (1960)
Jack Lemmon is a nebbishy company man who will do anything for a promotion-including supplying his bachelor pad to the philandering men who run the corporation. As the key to his apartment becomes the key to his success, Lemmon's character is bemired in an ethical quandary involving the company Christmas party, an office with his name on the door, and a sweet elevator girl played by Shirley MacLaine. A great flick for anyone seeking a clever way to keep his job in this unpredictable economy.
1. The Apartment (1960)
Jack Lemmon is a nebbishy company man who will do anything for a promotion-including supplying his bachelor pad to the philandering men who run the corporation. As the key to his apartment becomes the key to his success, Lemmon's character is bemired in an ethical quandary involving the company Christmas party, an office with his name on the door, and a sweet elevator girl played by Shirley MacLaine. A great flick for anyone seeking a clever way to keep his job in this unpredictable economy.
2. Desk Set (1957)
The opening credits announce that the filmmakers "gratefully acknowledge the cooperation and assistance of the International Business Machines Corporation." You soon see why: A media company is installing room-size computers to assist its research and payroll departments. Spencer Tracy is the IBM transition guy in charge of Katharine Hepburn's research department, where she and her "girls" are in a tizzy over being replaced by a machine-which today, incidentally, would be known as Google.
The opening credits announce that the filmmakers "gratefully acknowledge the cooperation and assistance of the International Business Machines Corporation." You soon see why: A media company is installing room-size computers to assist its research and payroll departments. Spencer Tracy is the IBM transition guy in charge of Katharine Hepburn's research department, where she and her "girls" are in a tizzy over being replaced by a machine-which today, incidentally, would be known as Google.
3. Dodsworth (1936)
Motor company tycoon Samuel Dodsworth has just retired, and he's ready to enjoy life. His wife is gamboling around Europe, and Sam does his best to join in. But Dodsworth finds the transition from powerful boss to man of leisure awkward and uneasy-after pouring himself into his work for so long, even his wealth doesn't save him from feeling like a lifetime prisoner who can't hack it on the outside. In the title role, Walter Huston gives a knockout performance from which the current flock of CEOs turned outcasts could learn a lot.
Motor company tycoon Samuel Dodsworth has just retired, and he's ready to enjoy life. His wife is gamboling around Europe, and Sam does his best to join in. But Dodsworth finds the transition from powerful boss to man of leisure awkward and uneasy-after pouring himself into his work for so long, even his wealth doesn't save him from feeling like a lifetime prisoner who can't hack it on the outside. In the title role, Walter Huston gives a knockout performance from which the current flock of CEOs turned outcasts could learn a lot.
4. The Efficiency Expert (1991)
In this quirky Australian film, Anthony Hopkins plays a taciturn consultant hired to "modernize" a moccasin company. But his all-business measures don't jibe with the employees, a tight-knit, slightly loony, set-in-their-ways clan. When he erects partitions between the seamstresses to prevent them from gossiping all day, they just smile and take them down. Russell Crowe has a small part as a smarmy up-and-comer bent on importing slippers from Japan. A weird, highly enjoyable movie about the value of loyal employees.
In this quirky Australian film, Anthony Hopkins plays a taciturn consultant hired to "modernize" a moccasin company. But his all-business measures don't jibe with the employees, a tight-knit, slightly loony, set-in-their-ways clan. When he erects partitions between the seamstresses to prevent them from gossiping all day, they just smile and take them down. Russell Crowe has a small part as a smarmy up-and-comer bent on importing slippers from Japan. A weird, highly enjoyable movie about the value of loyal employees.
5. Executive Suite (1954)
What happens when the president of a major corporation drops dead? A flock of underlings jockey for the job in a pyrotechnic power struggle. The setting is a furniture company's mahogany-paneled front office, teeming with egos, stock scams, blackmailers, backstabbers, love affairs, and a corporate femme fatale-the founder's daughter and a major shareholder who was sleeping with the deceased. In the end, it's nothing more than good, juicy fun, and nobody's 401(k) gets hurt.
What happens when the president of a major corporation drops dead? A flock of underlings jockey for the job in a pyrotechnic power struggle. The setting is a furniture company's mahogany-paneled front office, teeming with egos, stock scams, blackmailers, backstabbers, love affairs, and a corporate femme fatale-the founder's daughter and a major shareholder who was sleeping with the deceased. In the end, it's nothing more than good, juicy fun, and nobody's 401(k) gets hurt.
6. Fitzcarraldo (1982)
The most successful businesspeople are obsessive about everything they do. Fitzcarraldo dreams of building an opera house in the jungles of South America. The story of his quest to make a fortune in the rubber business (to fund the opera house) is a portrait of a businessman to be admired from afar, not to be employed by: His madman scheme involves a spectacular attempt to drag a giant steamboat over a mountain to reach an unharvested forest.
The most successful businesspeople are obsessive about everything they do. Fitzcarraldo dreams of building an opera house in the jungles of South America. The story of his quest to make a fortune in the rubber business (to fund the opera house) is a portrait of a businessman to be admired from afar, not to be employed by: His madman scheme involves a spectacular attempt to drag a giant steamboat over a mountain to reach an unharvested forest.
7. The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit (1956)
Gregory Peck has a lot on his mind-a promotion to a powerful and high-paying executive position, a hysterical wife, a lovechild in Italy from an affair during the war. The new job means more time away from his family, but they aren't much fun anyway. Still, he grapples with the question of how much of his life to give to his work. The film stands up well at a time when companies are breaking a sweat trying to appear flexible and family-friendly.
Gregory Peck has a lot on his mind-a promotion to a powerful and high-paying executive position, a hysterical wife, a lovechild in Italy from an affair during the war. The new job means more time away from his family, but they aren't much fun anyway. Still, he grapples with the question of how much of his life to give to his work. The film stands up well at a time when companies are breaking a sweat trying to appear flexible and family-friendly.
8. Other People's Money (1991)
"I love money more than the things it buys," squeals the unctuous corporate raider Lawrence "Larry the Liquidator" Garfield, played by Danny DeVito. Larry targets a small New England manufacturing company run by a grandfatherly Gregory Peck. As Larry unapologetically lusts after a sweet deal, Peck's stepdaughter/ lawyer hisses, "In 10 years, they'll be studying you at the Wharton School. They'll call it the Garfield Era and rinse their mouths out when they leave the room." Ten years from now they'll call it the Enron Era. No, the WorldCom Era. Or the Arthur Andersen Era. The Martha Era has a nice ring . . .
"I love money more than the things it buys," squeals the unctuous corporate raider Lawrence "Larry the Liquidator" Garfield, played by Danny DeVito. Larry targets a small New England manufacturing company run by a grandfatherly Gregory Peck. As Larry unapologetically lusts after a sweet deal, Peck's stepdaughter/ lawyer hisses, "In 10 years, they'll be studying you at the Wharton School. They'll call it the Garfield Era and rinse their mouths out when they leave the room." Ten years from now they'll call it the Enron Era. No, the WorldCom Era. Or the Arthur Andersen Era. The Martha Era has a nice ring . . .
9. Save the Tiger (1973)
Lemmon nabbed the Oscar for Best Actor this time (beating Brando, Nicholson, Pacino, and Redford) for his portrayal of Harry Stoner, the down-and-out owner of a clothing factory. In this 36-hour snapshot of his life, Harry arranges for an arsonist to burn down his factory for insurance money, hires strippers to entertain his clients, and picks up a horny flower child. A depressing but ultimately uplifting account of a businessman being asphyxiated by the life he chose for himself.
Lemmon nabbed the Oscar for Best Actor this time (beating Brando, Nicholson, Pacino, and Redford) for his portrayal of Harry Stoner, the down-and-out owner of a clothing factory. In this 36-hour snapshot of his life, Harry arranges for an arsonist to burn down his factory for insurance money, hires strippers to entertain his clients, and picks up a horny flower child. A depressing but ultimately uplifting account of a businessman being asphyxiated by the life he chose for himself.
10. Silkwood (1983)
Based on the story of Karen Silkwood, a lab analyst and union activist at the Kerr-McGee plutonium processing plant, who died in 1974. Believing that company negligence was endangering the lives of employees and clients-alleged corporate misbehavior that makes the recent wave of accounting scandals look like child's play-Silkwood set out to blow the whistle to a New York Times reporter. On her way to the rendezvous, she perished in a mysterious one-car accident. Meryl Streep uses equal parts naïveté and indignation in one of her greatest and least heralded
Based on the story of Karen Silkwood, a lab analyst and union activist at the Kerr-McGee plutonium processing plant, who died in 1974. Believing that company negligence was endangering the lives of employees and clients-alleged corporate misbehavior that makes the recent wave of accounting scandals look like child's play-Silkwood set out to blow the whistle to a New York Times reporter. On her way to the rendezvous, she perished in a mysterious one-car accident. Meryl Streep uses equal parts naïveté and indignation in one of her greatest and least heralded
Dear Terrorist,
Even if you are not reading this we don't care. Time and again you tried to disturb us and disrupt our life - killing innocent civilians by planting bombs in trains, buses and cars. You have tried hard to bring death and destruction, cause panic and fear and create communal disharmony but everytime you were disgustingly unsuccessful. Do you know how we pass our
life in Mumbai? How much it takes for us to earn that single rupee? If you wanted to give us a shock then we are sorry to say that you failed miserably in your ulterior motives. Better look elsewere, not here.
We are not Hindus and Muslims or Gujaratis and Marathis or Punjabis and Bengaliies. Nor do we distinguish ourselves as owners or workers, govt. employees or private employees. WE ARE MUMBAIKERS and Indians (Bombay-ites,if you like). We will not allow you to disrupt our life like this. On the last few occassions when you struck (including the 7 deadly blasts in a single day killing over 250 people and injuring 500+ in 1993), we went to work next day in full strength. This time we cleared everything within a few hours and were back to normal - the vendors placing their next order, businessmen finalizing the next deals and the office workers rushing to catch the next train. (Yes the same train you targetted)
Fathom this: Within 3 hours of the blasts, long queues of blood donating volunteers were seen outside various hospital, where most of the injured were admitted. By 12 midnight, the hospital had to issue a notification that blood banks were full and they didn't require any more blood. The next day, attendance at schools and office was close to 100%, trains & buses were packed to the brim, the crowds were back.
The city has simply dusted itself off and moved one - perhaps with greater vigour. We are Mumbaikers(Indians) and we live like brothers in times like this. So, do not dare to threaten us with your crackers. The spirit of Mumbai(India)is very strong and can not be harmed.
With Love,
From the people of Mumbai (Bombay) and India
Even if you are not reading this we don't care. Time and again you tried to disturb us and disrupt our life - killing innocent civilians by planting bombs in trains, buses and cars. You have tried hard to bring death and destruction, cause panic and fear and create communal disharmony but everytime you were disgustingly unsuccessful. Do you know how we pass our
life in Mumbai? How much it takes for us to earn that single rupee? If you wanted to give us a shock then we are sorry to say that you failed miserably in your ulterior motives. Better look elsewere, not here.
We are not Hindus and Muslims or Gujaratis and Marathis or Punjabis and Bengaliies. Nor do we distinguish ourselves as owners or workers, govt. employees or private employees. WE ARE MUMBAIKERS and Indians (Bombay-ites,if you like). We will not allow you to disrupt our life like this. On the last few occassions when you struck (including the 7 deadly blasts in a single day killing over 250 people and injuring 500+ in 1993), we went to work next day in full strength. This time we cleared everything within a few hours and were back to normal - the vendors placing their next order, businessmen finalizing the next deals and the office workers rushing to catch the next train. (Yes the same train you targetted)
Fathom this: Within 3 hours of the blasts, long queues of blood donating volunteers were seen outside various hospital, where most of the injured were admitted. By 12 midnight, the hospital had to issue a notification that blood banks were full and they didn't require any more blood. The next day, attendance at schools and office was close to 100%, trains & buses were packed to the brim, the crowds were back.
The city has simply dusted itself off and moved one - perhaps with greater vigour. We are Mumbaikers(Indians) and we live like brothers in times like this. So, do not dare to threaten us with your crackers. The spirit of Mumbai(India)is very strong and can not be harmed.
With Love,
From the people of Mumbai (Bombay) and India
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
World eBookFair
World's first Online Book Fair has started yesterday (4 th July 06). This book fair will be going on for a month. Website claims there are 1/3 million e-books available for free access / download. Those of you, who are interested in readership, can make use of the opportunity.
World eBook Library Catalogs and Collections The World eBook Library Consortia Collection shelves more than 330,000 PDF eBooks in 100+ languages contained in 112 of the finest eBook and eDocument collections published on the Internet today. The mission of the World eBook Library's Acquisition Department is to add new eBooks 24/7 to our shelves.
For Technical E-Books, go to
http://worldebookfair.com/Technical_eBook_Colleciton.htm
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Friday, June 23, 2006
Y WERE U SLEEPIN ON D JOB
Sleeping On the Job
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time
management course you sent me to.
I was working smarter - not harder.
Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.
I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
I'm in the management training program.
I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I
learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about
work!
I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related
stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to
our biggest problem.
The coffee machine is broken....
Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.
Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my
hands.
The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to
avoid getting shot.
Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.
If you find it very boring in the office, here are some tips:
1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.
2. Make blank calls to your Boss.
3. Send mails from lotus notes (outlook) to your internet mail (and immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your mail?) and read them there, and note down the time they take to reach there. Then do vice versa............. !!
4. Rearrange the furniture, i.e. flick someone else's chair just to irritate him/her.
5. Count your fingers (and toes if you still get bored).
6. Watch other people changing their facial ex-pressions while working and try changing your ex-pressions also.
7. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking silly doubts.
8. Make faces at strangers in office.
9. Have a two hour lunch; it's a big social occasion.
10. Learn to whistle.
11. Revise last week's newspaper.
12. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.
13. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.
14. Compile "How to waste your day"
15. Pick up phone and dial non-existing nos.
16. Have work breaks in between tea.
17. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at time.
18. For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle bin and restore them..Then repeat this process.
19. Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have looked when(s) he was 5 years old.
20. Read jokes and send jokes.
21. Make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided and take a nap.
1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.
2. Make blank calls to your Boss.
3. Send mails from lotus notes (outlook) to your internet mail (and immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your mail?) and read them there, and note down the time they take to reach there. Then do vice versa............. !!
4. Rearrange the furniture, i.e. flick someone else's chair just to irritate him/her.
5. Count your fingers (and toes if you still get bored).
6. Watch other people changing their facial ex-pressions while working and try changing your ex-pressions also.
7. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking silly doubts.
8. Make faces at strangers in office.
9. Have a two hour lunch; it's a big social occasion.
10. Learn to whistle.
11. Revise last week's newspaper.
12. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.
13. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.
14. Compile "How to waste your day"
15. Pick up phone and dial non-existing nos.
16. Have work breaks in between tea.
17. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at time.
18. For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle bin and restore them..Then repeat this process.
19. Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have looked when(s) he was 5 years old.
20. Read jokes and send jokes.
21. Make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided and take a nap.
Tongue Twister
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk
the skunk stunk.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Did Peter Piper pick a
peck of pickled peppers? If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled
peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
Betty Botter had some butter, But," she said, "this butter's bitter. If
I bake this bitter butter, it would make my batter bitter. But a bit of
better
butter-- that would make my batter better." So she bought a bit of
butter, better than her bitter butter, and she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter. So it was better Betty Botter bought a
bit of better butter.
Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick.
A big black bug bit a big black bear, made the big black bear bleed
blood.
The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.
Pope Sixtus VI's six texts.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore. The shells she sells are surely
seashells. So if she sells shells on the seashore, I'm sure she sells
seashore shells.
Surely Sylvia swims!" shrieked Sammy, surprised. Someone should show
Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink."
Shy Shelly says she shall sew sheets.
Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks.
A flea and a fly flew up in a flue. Said the flea, "Let us fly!" Said
the fly, "Let us flee!" So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches?
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better.
A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern, And the bitter
better bittern Bit the bitter biter back. And the bitter bittern,
bitten, By the better bitten bittern, Said "I'm a bitter biter bit,
alack!"
Mr. See owned a saw. And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed
Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen
See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed
Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. But it was sad to see
Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw!
The boot black bought the black boot back.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as
a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
We surely shall see the sun shine soon.
Which witch wished which wicked wish?
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep
Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn't sleep in
a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
Six sharp smart sharks.
What a shame such a shapely sash should such shabby stitches show.
Sure the ship's shipshape, sir.
Don't pamper damp scamp tramps that camp under ramp lamps.
I'm not a pheasant plucker I'm a pheasant plucker's son I'm only
plucking pheasants Till a pheasant plucker comes.
"Watch out! You nearly broad-sided that car!" My father yelled at me.
Can't you do anything right?" Those words hurt worse than blows. I
turned my head toward the elderly man in the seat beside me,
daring me to challenge him. A lump rose in my throat as I averted my
eyes. I wasn't prepared for another battle.
"I saw the car, Dad. Please don't yell at me when I'm driving." My
voice was measured and steady, sounding far calmer than I really felt.
Dad glared at me, then turned away and settled back.
At home I left Dad in front of the television and went outside to
collect
my thoughts. Dark, heavy clouds hung in the air with a promise of rain.
The rumble of distant thunder seemed to echo my inner turmoil. What
could I do about him?
Dad had been a lumberjack in Washington and Oregon. He had
enjoyed being outdoors and had reveled in pitting his strength against
the forces of nature. He had entered grueling lumberjack competitions,
and had placed often. The shelves in his house were filled with
trophies that attested to his prowess.
The years marched on relentlessly. The first time he couldn't lift a
heavy log, he joked about it; but later that same day I saw him outside
alone, straining to lift it. He became irritable whenever anyone teased
him about his advancing age, or when he couldn't do something he
had done as a younger man.
Four days after his sixty-seventh birthday, he had a heart attack. An
ambulance sped him to the hospital while a paramedic administered
CPR to keep blood and oxygen flowing. At the hospital, Dad was
rushed into an operating room. He was lucky; he survived.
But something inside Dad died. His zest for life was gone. He
obstinately refused to follow doctor's orders. Suggestions and offers
of help were turned aside with sarcasm and insults. The number of
visitors thinned, and then finally stopped altogether. Dad was left
alone.
My husband, Dick, and I asked Dad to come live with us on our
small farm. We hoped the fresh air and rustic atmosphere would help
him adjust. Within a week after he moved in, I regretted the invitation.
It seemed nothing was satisfactory. He criticized everything I did. I
became frustrated and moody. Soon I was taking my pent-up anger
out on Dick. We began to bicker and argue. Alarmed, Dick sought
out our pastor and explained the situation. The clergyman set up
weekly counseling appointments for us. At the close of each
session he prayed, asking God to soothe Dad's troubled mind. But
the months wore on and God was silent.
A raindrop struck my cheek. I looked up into the gray sky.
Somewhere up there was "God." Although I believe a Supreme
Being had created the universe. I had difficulty believing that God
cared about the tiny human being on this earth. I was tired of waiting
for a God who didn't answer. Something had to be done and it was up
to me to do it.
The next day I sat down with the phone book and methodically called
each of the mental health clinics listed in the Yellow Pages. I
explained
my problem to each of the sympathetic voices that answered. In vain.
Just when I was giving up hope, one of the voices suddenly exclaimed,
"I just read something that might help you! Let me go get the article."
I
listened as she read. The article described a remarkable study done at
a nursing home. All of the patients were under treatment for chronic
depression. Yet their attitudes had improved dramatically when they were
given responsibility for a dog.
I drove to the animal shelter that afternoon. After I filled out a
questionnaire, a uniformed officer led me to the kennels. The odor of
disinfectant stung my nostrils as I moved down the row of pens. Each
contained five to seven dogs. Long-haired dogs, curly-haired dogs, black
dogs, spotted dogs - all jumped up, trying to reach me. I studied each
one
but rejected one after the other for various reasons - too big, too
small,
too much hair. As I neared the last pen a dog in the shadows of the far
corner struggled to his feet, walked to the front of the run and sat
down.
It was a pointer, one of the dog world's aristocrats. But this was a
caricature of the breed. Years had etched his face and muzzle with
shades of gray. His hipbones jutted out in lopsided triangles. But it
was
his eyes that caught and held my attention. Calm and clear, they beheld
me unwaveringly.
I pointed to the dog. "Can you tell me about him?" The officer looked,
then shook his head in puzzlement. "He's a funny one. Appeared out of
nowhere and sat in front of the gate. We brought him in, figuring
someone
would be right down to claim him. That was two weeks ago and we've
heard nothing. His time is up tomorrow." He gestured helplessly. As the
words sank in I turned to the man in horror. "You mean you're going to
kill him?"
"Mam," he said gently, "that's our policy. We don't have room for every
unclaimed dog." I looked at the pointer again. The calm brown eyes
awaited my decision. "I'll take him," I said.
I drove home with the dog on the front seat beside me. When I reached
the house I honked the horn twice. I was helping my prize out of the
car
when Dad shuffled onto the front porch. "Ta-da! Look what I got for you,
Dad!" I said excitedly. Dad looked, then wrinkled his face in disgust.
"If I
had wanted a dog I would have gotten one. And I would have picked
out a better specimen than that bag of bones. Keep it! I don't want it"
Dad waved his arm scornfully and turned back toward the house. Anger
rose inside me. It squeezed together my throat muscles and pounded into
my temples. "You'd better get used to him, Dad. He's staying!"
Dad ignored me. "Did you hear me, Dad?" I screamed. At those words
Dad whirled angrily, his hands clenched at his sides, his eyes narrowed
and blazing with hate.
We stood glaring at each other like duelists, when suddenly the pointer
pulled free from my grasp. He wobbled toward my dad and sat down in
front of him. Then slowly, carefully, he raised his paw. Dad's lower jaw
trembled as he stared at the uplifted paw. Confusion replaced the anger
in his eyes. The pointer waited patiently. Then Dad was on his knees
hugging the animal.
It was the beginning of a warm and intimate friendship. Dad named the
pointer Cheyenne. Together he and Cheyenne explored the community.
They spent long hours walking down dusty lanes. They spent reflective
moments on the banks of streams, angling for tasty trout. They even
started to attend Sunday services together, Dad sitting in a pew and
Cheyenne lying quietly at his feet.
Dad and Cheyenne were inseparable throughout the next three years.
Dad's bitterness faded, and he and Cheyenne made many friends. Then
late one night I was startled to feel Cheyenne's cold nose burrowing
through our bed covers. He had never before come into our bedroom at
night. I woke Dick, put on my robe and ran into my father's room. Dad
lay in his bed, his face serene. But his spirit had left quietly
sometime
during the night.
Two days later my shock and grief deepened when I discovered
Cheyenne lying dead beside Dad's bed. I wrapped his still form in the
rag rug he had slept on. As Dick and I buried him near a favorite
fishing hole, I silently thanked the dog for the help he had given me in
restoring Dad's peace of mind.
Th e morning of Dad's funeral dawned overcast and dreary. This day
looks like the way I feel, I thought, as I walked down the aisle to the
pews reserved for family. I was surprised to see the many friends Dad
and Cheyenne had made filling the church. The pastor began his
eulogy. It was a tribute to both Dad and the dog that had changed his
life. And then the pastor turned to Hebrews 13:2. "Be not forgetful to
entertain strangers." I've often thanked God for sending that angel,"
he said.
For me, the past dropped into place, completing a puzzle that I had
not seen before: the sympathetic voice that had just read the right
article... Cheyenne's unexpected appearance at the animal shelter.
His calm acceptance and complete devotion to my father. . .and the
proximity of their deaths. And suddenly I understood.
I knew that God had answered my prayers after all
People wonder why Call center ppl r paid so
much.............for just being
on the phone.....?
Take a look:
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open
Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a
pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you
have done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I
wrote 'click'."
************************************************************************
Customer: "I received the software update you sent,
but I am still getting
the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to
get it to work?"
************************************************************************
Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft
Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me
what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and
Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
**********************************************************************
Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your
software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
**********************************************************************
Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of
the screen, can you see
the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from
there?"
**********************************************************************
Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
**********************************************************************
Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
**********************************************************************
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate
telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our
service)
Tech Support:: "Well then we can't-"
Customer:: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line
with me right now. You
need to-"
Customer:: "No, that's not it. It does this all the
time. I just have to
try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support:: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to
dial right now because
you're on the
phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
**********************************************************************
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me
at the grocery store."
**********************************************************************
Tech Support:: "What operating system are you
running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
**********************************************************************
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an
illegal abortion."
**********************************************************************
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
**********************************************************************
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
**********************************************************************
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently
need to print
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system
disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a
floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's
someone called Intel
inside."
**********************************************************************
Tech.: What is Speed of Your processor.
Customer: 40GB...........
**********************************************************************
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a
problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
**********************************************************************
Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
**********************************************************************
A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support
to report that his
computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup
files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need
to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to
change the startup and
it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to
tell me the command. 10
minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is
right. The tech is
frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our
customers this, but there is
an undocumented DOS command that will fix the
problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end
of the CONFIG.SYS.
Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still
smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS
didn't come with NO
SMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch
that will give you the
file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what
you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power
supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't
compatible with NO SMOKE
much.............for just being
on the phone.....?
Take a look:
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open
Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a
pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you
have done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I
wrote 'click'."
************************************************************************
Customer: "I received the software update you sent,
but I am still getting
the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to
get it to work?"
************************************************************************
Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft
Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me
what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and
Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
**********************************************************************
Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your
software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
**********************************************************************
Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of
the screen, can you see
the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from
there?"
**********************************************************************
Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
**********************************************************************
Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
**********************************************************************
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate
telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our
service)
Tech Support:: "Well then we can't-"
Customer:: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line
with me right now. You
need to-"
Customer:: "No, that's not it. It does this all the
time. I just have to
try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support:: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to
dial right now because
you're on the
phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
**********************************************************************
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me
at the grocery store."
**********************************************************************
Tech Support:: "What operating system are you
running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
**********************************************************************
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an
illegal abortion."
**********************************************************************
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
**********************************************************************
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
**********************************************************************
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently
need to print
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system
disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a
floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's
someone called Intel
inside."
**********************************************************************
Tech.: What is Speed of Your processor.
Customer: 40GB...........
**********************************************************************
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a
problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
**********************************************************************
Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
**********************************************************************
A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support
to report that his
computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup
files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need
to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to
change the startup and
it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to
tell me the command. 10
minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is
right. The tech is
frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our
customers this, but there is
an undocumented DOS command that will fix the
problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end
of the CONFIG.SYS.
Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still
smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS
didn't come with NO
SMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch
that will give you the
file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what
you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power
supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't
compatible with NO SMOKE
New style of writing a love letter :
My dear FAIR and LOVELY (ek chand ka tukda) , after WIPRO (Applying Thought) so much, I dare to say that you are my TVS SCOOTY (First love) and my AIWA (Pure passion). I always BPL (Believe in the best) and you are SANSUI (Better than the best). You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (Delivering a million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (Seriously fresh) feeling for me.
I want you to be my life partner but I think you are worried about your father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (The Unshakable) and my father who is CEAT (Born Tough) but don't worry as I am also FORD ICON (The Josh Machine) and rest of our family members are KELVINATORS (The Coolest ones).
I want you to be my life partner but I think you are worried about your father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (The Unshakable) and my father who is CEAT (Born Tough) but don't worry as I am also FORD ICON (The Josh Machine) and rest of our family members are KELVINATORS (The Coolest ones).
If they say no, we will run away and marry and PHILIPS (Let's Make Things Better). They will feel MIRINDA (Zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) but I believe in COCA COLA (Jo chahe ho jaye) . For our marriage SAMSUNG DIGITALL (Everyone's Invited) and after marriage we'll be WHIRLPOOL (U and ME - The World's best homemakers)
Trust in God who's always NOKIA (Connecting people) who love each other. And we are WILLS (Made for each other). Now that HYUNDAI (we are listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (Real taste of life), SATYAM ONLINE (Fun, Fast, Easy) and PARX (Always Comfortable). So never forget me. Ok bye!
I wrote little but PEPSI (Yeh dil mange more).
LG (Digitally Yours)!!!!!
Question : Why is FIRE Engine RED in color?
Answer :
FIRE Engine has LADDER.
==>LADDER has STEPS.
==>STEPS are to be climed on FOOT.
==>FOOT is measured by a RULER.
==>RULER can be a KING or QUEEN.
==>ELIZABETH is the QUEEN of ENGLAND.
==>ELIZABETH is also the name of a SHIP.
==>SHIP sails on WATER.
==>WATER has FISHES.
==>FISHES have FINS.
==>The people of FINLAND are called FINS.
==>The national FLAG of FINLAND is RED.
======>So FIRE Engine is RED in color.
Understood????????????
Answer :
FIRE Engine has LADDER.
==>LADDER has STEPS.
==>STEPS are to be climed on FOOT.
==>FOOT is measured by a RULER.
==>RULER can be a KING or QUEEN.
==>ELIZABETH is the QUEEN of ENGLAND.
==>ELIZABETH is also the name of a SHIP.
==>SHIP sails on WATER.
==>WATER has FISHES.
==>FISHES have FINS.
==>The people of FINLAND are called FINS.
==>The national FLAG of FINLAND is RED.
======>So FIRE Engine is RED in color.
Understood????????????
NRI Diwali
A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali" to his younger brother, This is how he went about it...
" So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... Since he was going, for like,something like more than 10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together. But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man...they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy,was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed..... all the gods were with him... So anyways,you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys.. Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok... ..so, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood. Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest..and anyways...it gets kinda boring,you know... no TV or malls or shit like that.So,they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit...and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also...so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks...
Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks...and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff,you know.
And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."
Marriage
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
The teacher asked the students to bring one elec-
trical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next
day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring? "I
brought a Walkman."
"And what is it for?"
"You can listen to music with it!"
"That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?" "I
brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
"Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't
bring anything!" "Yes, I did. It's in the hall."
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
"Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
"It's a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep
your heart going."
"Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing
this?"
"He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
------------------------------------------------------
The following are the new Windows messages that are under consideration
for
the next version.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.
Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
BREAKFAST.SYS halted ... Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing ... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted ... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
User Error: Replace user.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)
Welcome to Microsoft's World -- Your Mortgage is Past Due.
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have
been
deleted. The police are on the way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aggravated wife to husband who's hiding behind the newspaper: "You can
stop
saying, 'Uh-huh.' I stopped talking an hour ago."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
----OOPS
A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern
California's wildfires last year. He wanted pictures of the heroic
work the
:firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes. When the
:photographer arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke
Was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make it impossible for
Him to get good photographs from the ground level. He requested
Permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from th air.
His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call
The local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single
Engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
:
:Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a
:hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and
Shouted,:Let's go!"
:
:The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared
Down the :runway Once in the air, the photographer asked, "Can you fly
Over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some
Pictures of the fires on the hillsides?"
:
:"Why?" asked the pilot.
:
:"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded, "and, I
Need to get some good close-up shots."
:
:The pilot was strangely silent for amoment. Finally he
Stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"
A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western
is
on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the
covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"
"You're on," returned his wife. They watch the western and sure
enough
the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the
wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray
of
food.
After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie
before."
She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't
think
he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a
hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new
technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a
large,
intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would
I
hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
:o)
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of
people
outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was
there.
A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."
"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another month ends ...
* All Targets Met
* All Systems Working
* All Customers Satisfied
* All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic
* All Pigs Fed and Ready to Fly
:-))
Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale.
"No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"
Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."
"No, she isn't," said Johnny.
"How do you know she's not?" asked his mother.
"Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny.
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds,
"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin,come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."
"No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"
Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."
"No, she isn't," said Johnny.
"How do you know she's not?" asked his mother.
"Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny.
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds,
"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin,come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."
Good Ones
A pessimist mourns the future.
"A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes." --Robert Frost
People complain most about things over which they have no control.
Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.
Nothing is as good as it seems beforehand.
Calories are delicious.
The colder the X-ray table the more of you has to be on it.
An object in motion will always be moving in the wrong direction.
If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them livid, tell the truth.
There is something wrong if you're always right.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
People are like tea bags - You never know their strength until they get into hot water.
The easiest crops to grow are weeds and pests.
If you do nothing, nothing will happen. If you do something, something will happen but not necessarily what you intended.
All's war in love and fairness.
Before having a midlife crisis, it's good to have a life.
Life is like snow: you don't know when it will come or how long it will last or how much you will get.
For every reason there is for doing something, there are three for not doing it.
A public telephone is never being used until you have an emergency.
Integrity is like oxygen. The higher you go the less there is.
There's more to life than increasing its speed.
Some is good; more is better; too much is just right.
Life is a do-it-yourself project.
The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.
Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.
Consistency isn't always good especially if you're consistently wrong.
Whenever you need something you can't find it, if you don't need it it's all over.
It isn't the principle of the thing, it's the money.
When you have a pain someplace, everyone will hit you on that spot.
When you try to be sophisticated something will happen to make you look bad.
Never remember what you can afford to forget.
A pessimist mourns the future.
"A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes." --Robert Frost
People complain most about things over which they have no control.
Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.
Nothing is as good as it seems beforehand.
Calories are delicious.
The colder the X-ray table the more of you has to be on it.
An object in motion will always be moving in the wrong direction.
If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them livid, tell the truth.
There is something wrong if you're always right.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
People are like tea bags - You never know their strength until they get into hot water.
The easiest crops to grow are weeds and pests.
If you do nothing, nothing will happen. If you do something, something will happen but not necessarily what you intended.
All's war in love and fairness.
Before having a midlife crisis, it's good to have a life.
Life is like snow: you don't know when it will come or how long it will last or how much you will get.
For every reason there is for doing something, there are three for not doing it.
A public telephone is never being used until you have an emergency.
Integrity is like oxygen. The higher you go the less there is.
There's more to life than increasing its speed.
Some is good; more is better; too much is just right.
Life is a do-it-yourself project.
The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.
Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.
Consistency isn't always good especially if you're consistently wrong.
Whenever you need something you can't find it, if you don't need it it's all over.
It isn't the principle of the thing, it's the money.
When you have a pain someplace, everyone will hit you on that spot.
When you try to be sophisticated something will happen to make you look bad.
Never remember what you can afford to forget.
When crazy glue was invented lots of people became attached to it.
Undertakers are nice - they're the last to let people down.
If cats could read they would paws after each claws.
A man played the organ in his garden to get organically grown food.
Some people are on seefood diets: they see food ... they eat it.
Those who make sponges get very absorbed in their work.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A sleeping cow is also a bulldozer.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
Undertakers are nice - they're the last to let people down.
If cats could read they would paws after each claws.
A man played the organ in his garden to get organically grown food.
Some people are on seefood diets: they see food ... they eat it.
Those who make sponges get very absorbed in their work.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A sleeping cow is also a bulldozer.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was
no tomorrow.
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was
no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able
to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.
to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
A worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations. The only question asked was:
'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?'
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?'
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
SHIP Tales
A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
H. 2 American men and 1 American woman
I. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:
A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.
C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.
F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.
G. The two Irish men began by dividing up their part of the island into Northern & Southern parts, and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember the Irish woman because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey; but at least the English are not getting any.
H. The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected Her opinion and treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
I. The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman.
A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
H. 2 American men and 1 American woman
I. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:
A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.
C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.
F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.
G. The two Irish men began by dividing up their part of the island into Northern & Southern parts, and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember the Irish woman because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey; but at least the English are not getting any.
H. The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected Her opinion and treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
I. The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman.
Mars & Venus on Earth
Here is a great classic that is worth reading, even if you have seen it before.
A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of commitment that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90 day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90 day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
Roger, Elaine says aloud.
What? says Roger, startled.
Please don't torture yourself like this, she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I should never have .. Oh God, I feel so...(She breaks down, sobbing.)
What? says Roger. I'm such a fool, Elaine sobs. I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.
There's no horse? says Roger.
You think I'm a fool, don't you? Elaine says.
No! says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time, Elaine says.
(There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
(There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes" he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger", she says.
"Thank you, Roger", she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, you've known Elaine longer than I have. Did she ever own a horse?"
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Beauty of Maths!
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
Brilliant, isn't it?
And finally, take a look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
Brilliant, isn't it?
And finally, take a look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321
Some W a c k y Quotes
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
- Albert Einstein
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
- Robert Frost
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
- Jean Cocturan
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Forgive your enemies but remember their names.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Dont worry that the world ends today, its already tomorrow in Australia!
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
- Albert Einstein
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
- Robert Frost
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
- Jean Cocturan
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Forgive your enemies but remember their names.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Dont worry that the world ends today, its already tomorrow in Australia!
The driver is safer when the road is dry,
and the road is safer when the driver is dry.
Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 30s.
Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair
cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
These 2 atoms were walking around when one atom says to the other one,
"hey! I think I lost an electron!" The other atom says "are you sure?"
He replies "yes, I'm positive"
Overheard in a restaurant:
Waitress: Are you very Hungary?
Diner: Yes, Siam.
Waitress: What would you like me to Serbia?
Diner: I'll have a Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee.
Waitress: Would you like anything India coffee?
Diner: Just a Cuba sugar would be fine.
Waitress: Okay, I'll Russia your order.
Diner: I hope the sandwich doesn't have any Greece on it.
I expect that Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man.
---George Meredith
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
and the road is safer when the driver is dry.
Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 30s.
Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair
cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
These 2 atoms were walking around when one atom says to the other one,
"hey! I think I lost an electron!" The other atom says "are you sure?"
He replies "yes, I'm positive"
Overheard in a restaurant:
Waitress: Are you very Hungary?
Diner: Yes, Siam.
Waitress: What would you like me to Serbia?
Diner: I'll have a Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee.
Waitress: Would you like anything India coffee?
Diner: Just a Cuba sugar would be fine.
Waitress: Okay, I'll Russia your order.
Diner: I hope the sandwich doesn't have any Greece on it.
I expect that Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man.
---George Meredith
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight path."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight path."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
A Company, feeling it was time for a shape-up, hires a new CEO. The new CEO is determined to rid the company of all unproductive workers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a young chap leaning on a wall and relaxing. The room is full of workers who were busy working, except for this guy. The CEO decides to let his staff know that he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week.........Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, "Here's two weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!". Surprised and in fear, the guy immediately leaves.
Feeling pretty good about having fired his first worker, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me which department that worker belonged to?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He was the Pizza Delivery guy from Domino's."
ForwardSourceID:NT00005ED6
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week.........Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, "Here's two weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!". Surprised and in fear, the guy immediately leaves.
Feeling pretty good about having fired his first worker, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me which department that worker belonged to?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He was the Pizza Delivery guy from Domino's."
ForwardSourceID:NT00005ED6
Here are some more of the Interesting theorems
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Cool Notepad Tip
This is real cool for people who use notepad to write down any info on a day to day basis...
* Create a blank text file with .LOG (in caps) as the first line of the file, followed by a carriage return (Enter) and save this file.
* Double-click the file to open it and notice that Notepad appends the current date and time to the end of the file and places the cursor on the line after.
* Type your notes and then save and close the file.
Each time you open the file, Notepad repeats the process, appending the time and date to the end of the file and placing the cursor below it.
This is real cool for people who use notepad to write down any info on a day to day basis...
* Create a blank text file with .LOG (in caps) as the first line of the file, followed by a carriage return (Enter) and save this file.
* Double-click the file to open it and notice that Notepad appends the current date and time to the end of the file and places the cursor on the line after.
* Type your notes and then save and close the file.
Each time you open the file, Notepad repeats the process, appending the time and date to the end of the file and placing the cursor below it.
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