Thanks to so many of you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
My thanks also to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open, for the same reason.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will all change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates of Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387th time.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it is so harmful, it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking another person along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Friday, July 14, 2006
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Watch and Learn: The 10 Greatest Business Movies You've Never Seen
1. The Apartment (1960)
Jack Lemmon is a nebbishy company man who will do anything for a promotion-including supplying his bachelor pad to the philandering men who run the corporation. As the key to his apartment becomes the key to his success, Lemmon's character is bemired in an ethical quandary involving the company Christmas party, an office with his name on the door, and a sweet elevator girl played by Shirley MacLaine. A great flick for anyone seeking a clever way to keep his job in this unpredictable economy.
1. The Apartment (1960)
Jack Lemmon is a nebbishy company man who will do anything for a promotion-including supplying his bachelor pad to the philandering men who run the corporation. As the key to his apartment becomes the key to his success, Lemmon's character is bemired in an ethical quandary involving the company Christmas party, an office with his name on the door, and a sweet elevator girl played by Shirley MacLaine. A great flick for anyone seeking a clever way to keep his job in this unpredictable economy.
2. Desk Set (1957)
The opening credits announce that the filmmakers "gratefully acknowledge the cooperation and assistance of the International Business Machines Corporation." You soon see why: A media company is installing room-size computers to assist its research and payroll departments. Spencer Tracy is the IBM transition guy in charge of Katharine Hepburn's research department, where she and her "girls" are in a tizzy over being replaced by a machine-which today, incidentally, would be known as Google.
The opening credits announce that the filmmakers "gratefully acknowledge the cooperation and assistance of the International Business Machines Corporation." You soon see why: A media company is installing room-size computers to assist its research and payroll departments. Spencer Tracy is the IBM transition guy in charge of Katharine Hepburn's research department, where she and her "girls" are in a tizzy over being replaced by a machine-which today, incidentally, would be known as Google.
3. Dodsworth (1936)
Motor company tycoon Samuel Dodsworth has just retired, and he's ready to enjoy life. His wife is gamboling around Europe, and Sam does his best to join in. But Dodsworth finds the transition from powerful boss to man of leisure awkward and uneasy-after pouring himself into his work for so long, even his wealth doesn't save him from feeling like a lifetime prisoner who can't hack it on the outside. In the title role, Walter Huston gives a knockout performance from which the current flock of CEOs turned outcasts could learn a lot.
Motor company tycoon Samuel Dodsworth has just retired, and he's ready to enjoy life. His wife is gamboling around Europe, and Sam does his best to join in. But Dodsworth finds the transition from powerful boss to man of leisure awkward and uneasy-after pouring himself into his work for so long, even his wealth doesn't save him from feeling like a lifetime prisoner who can't hack it on the outside. In the title role, Walter Huston gives a knockout performance from which the current flock of CEOs turned outcasts could learn a lot.
4. The Efficiency Expert (1991)
In this quirky Australian film, Anthony Hopkins plays a taciturn consultant hired to "modernize" a moccasin company. But his all-business measures don't jibe with the employees, a tight-knit, slightly loony, set-in-their-ways clan. When he erects partitions between the seamstresses to prevent them from gossiping all day, they just smile and take them down. Russell Crowe has a small part as a smarmy up-and-comer bent on importing slippers from Japan. A weird, highly enjoyable movie about the value of loyal employees.
In this quirky Australian film, Anthony Hopkins plays a taciturn consultant hired to "modernize" a moccasin company. But his all-business measures don't jibe with the employees, a tight-knit, slightly loony, set-in-their-ways clan. When he erects partitions between the seamstresses to prevent them from gossiping all day, they just smile and take them down. Russell Crowe has a small part as a smarmy up-and-comer bent on importing slippers from Japan. A weird, highly enjoyable movie about the value of loyal employees.
5. Executive Suite (1954)
What happens when the president of a major corporation drops dead? A flock of underlings jockey for the job in a pyrotechnic power struggle. The setting is a furniture company's mahogany-paneled front office, teeming with egos, stock scams, blackmailers, backstabbers, love affairs, and a corporate femme fatale-the founder's daughter and a major shareholder who was sleeping with the deceased. In the end, it's nothing more than good, juicy fun, and nobody's 401(k) gets hurt.
What happens when the president of a major corporation drops dead? A flock of underlings jockey for the job in a pyrotechnic power struggle. The setting is a furniture company's mahogany-paneled front office, teeming with egos, stock scams, blackmailers, backstabbers, love affairs, and a corporate femme fatale-the founder's daughter and a major shareholder who was sleeping with the deceased. In the end, it's nothing more than good, juicy fun, and nobody's 401(k) gets hurt.
6. Fitzcarraldo (1982)
The most successful businesspeople are obsessive about everything they do. Fitzcarraldo dreams of building an opera house in the jungles of South America. The story of his quest to make a fortune in the rubber business (to fund the opera house) is a portrait of a businessman to be admired from afar, not to be employed by: His madman scheme involves a spectacular attempt to drag a giant steamboat over a mountain to reach an unharvested forest.
The most successful businesspeople are obsessive about everything they do. Fitzcarraldo dreams of building an opera house in the jungles of South America. The story of his quest to make a fortune in the rubber business (to fund the opera house) is a portrait of a businessman to be admired from afar, not to be employed by: His madman scheme involves a spectacular attempt to drag a giant steamboat over a mountain to reach an unharvested forest.
7. The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit (1956)
Gregory Peck has a lot on his mind-a promotion to a powerful and high-paying executive position, a hysterical wife, a lovechild in Italy from an affair during the war. The new job means more time away from his family, but they aren't much fun anyway. Still, he grapples with the question of how much of his life to give to his work. The film stands up well at a time when companies are breaking a sweat trying to appear flexible and family-friendly.
Gregory Peck has a lot on his mind-a promotion to a powerful and high-paying executive position, a hysterical wife, a lovechild in Italy from an affair during the war. The new job means more time away from his family, but they aren't much fun anyway. Still, he grapples with the question of how much of his life to give to his work. The film stands up well at a time when companies are breaking a sweat trying to appear flexible and family-friendly.
8. Other People's Money (1991)
"I love money more than the things it buys," squeals the unctuous corporate raider Lawrence "Larry the Liquidator" Garfield, played by Danny DeVito. Larry targets a small New England manufacturing company run by a grandfatherly Gregory Peck. As Larry unapologetically lusts after a sweet deal, Peck's stepdaughter/ lawyer hisses, "In 10 years, they'll be studying you at the Wharton School. They'll call it the Garfield Era and rinse their mouths out when they leave the room." Ten years from now they'll call it the Enron Era. No, the WorldCom Era. Or the Arthur Andersen Era. The Martha Era has a nice ring . . .
"I love money more than the things it buys," squeals the unctuous corporate raider Lawrence "Larry the Liquidator" Garfield, played by Danny DeVito. Larry targets a small New England manufacturing company run by a grandfatherly Gregory Peck. As Larry unapologetically lusts after a sweet deal, Peck's stepdaughter/ lawyer hisses, "In 10 years, they'll be studying you at the Wharton School. They'll call it the Garfield Era and rinse their mouths out when they leave the room." Ten years from now they'll call it the Enron Era. No, the WorldCom Era. Or the Arthur Andersen Era. The Martha Era has a nice ring . . .
9. Save the Tiger (1973)
Lemmon nabbed the Oscar for Best Actor this time (beating Brando, Nicholson, Pacino, and Redford) for his portrayal of Harry Stoner, the down-and-out owner of a clothing factory. In this 36-hour snapshot of his life, Harry arranges for an arsonist to burn down his factory for insurance money, hires strippers to entertain his clients, and picks up a horny flower child. A depressing but ultimately uplifting account of a businessman being asphyxiated by the life he chose for himself.
Lemmon nabbed the Oscar for Best Actor this time (beating Brando, Nicholson, Pacino, and Redford) for his portrayal of Harry Stoner, the down-and-out owner of a clothing factory. In this 36-hour snapshot of his life, Harry arranges for an arsonist to burn down his factory for insurance money, hires strippers to entertain his clients, and picks up a horny flower child. A depressing but ultimately uplifting account of a businessman being asphyxiated by the life he chose for himself.
10. Silkwood (1983)
Based on the story of Karen Silkwood, a lab analyst and union activist at the Kerr-McGee plutonium processing plant, who died in 1974. Believing that company negligence was endangering the lives of employees and clients-alleged corporate misbehavior that makes the recent wave of accounting scandals look like child's play-Silkwood set out to blow the whistle to a New York Times reporter. On her way to the rendezvous, she perished in a mysterious one-car accident. Meryl Streep uses equal parts naïveté and indignation in one of her greatest and least heralded
Based on the story of Karen Silkwood, a lab analyst and union activist at the Kerr-McGee plutonium processing plant, who died in 1974. Believing that company negligence was endangering the lives of employees and clients-alleged corporate misbehavior that makes the recent wave of accounting scandals look like child's play-Silkwood set out to blow the whistle to a New York Times reporter. On her way to the rendezvous, she perished in a mysterious one-car accident. Meryl Streep uses equal parts naïveté and indignation in one of her greatest and least heralded
Dear Terrorist,
Even if you are not reading this we don't care. Time and again you tried to disturb us and disrupt our life - killing innocent civilians by planting bombs in trains, buses and cars. You have tried hard to bring death and destruction, cause panic and fear and create communal disharmony but everytime you were disgustingly unsuccessful. Do you know how we pass our
life in Mumbai? How much it takes for us to earn that single rupee? If you wanted to give us a shock then we are sorry to say that you failed miserably in your ulterior motives. Better look elsewere, not here.
We are not Hindus and Muslims or Gujaratis and Marathis or Punjabis and Bengaliies. Nor do we distinguish ourselves as owners or workers, govt. employees or private employees. WE ARE MUMBAIKERS and Indians (Bombay-ites,if you like). We will not allow you to disrupt our life like this. On the last few occassions when you struck (including the 7 deadly blasts in a single day killing over 250 people and injuring 500+ in 1993), we went to work next day in full strength. This time we cleared everything within a few hours and were back to normal - the vendors placing their next order, businessmen finalizing the next deals and the office workers rushing to catch the next train. (Yes the same train you targetted)
Fathom this: Within 3 hours of the blasts, long queues of blood donating volunteers were seen outside various hospital, where most of the injured were admitted. By 12 midnight, the hospital had to issue a notification that blood banks were full and they didn't require any more blood. The next day, attendance at schools and office was close to 100%, trains & buses were packed to the brim, the crowds were back.
The city has simply dusted itself off and moved one - perhaps with greater vigour. We are Mumbaikers(Indians) and we live like brothers in times like this. So, do not dare to threaten us with your crackers. The spirit of Mumbai(India)is very strong and can not be harmed.
With Love,
From the people of Mumbai (Bombay) and India
Even if you are not reading this we don't care. Time and again you tried to disturb us and disrupt our life - killing innocent civilians by planting bombs in trains, buses and cars. You have tried hard to bring death and destruction, cause panic and fear and create communal disharmony but everytime you were disgustingly unsuccessful. Do you know how we pass our
life in Mumbai? How much it takes for us to earn that single rupee? If you wanted to give us a shock then we are sorry to say that you failed miserably in your ulterior motives. Better look elsewere, not here.
We are not Hindus and Muslims or Gujaratis and Marathis or Punjabis and Bengaliies. Nor do we distinguish ourselves as owners or workers, govt. employees or private employees. WE ARE MUMBAIKERS and Indians (Bombay-ites,if you like). We will not allow you to disrupt our life like this. On the last few occassions when you struck (including the 7 deadly blasts in a single day killing over 250 people and injuring 500+ in 1993), we went to work next day in full strength. This time we cleared everything within a few hours and were back to normal - the vendors placing their next order, businessmen finalizing the next deals and the office workers rushing to catch the next train. (Yes the same train you targetted)
Fathom this: Within 3 hours of the blasts, long queues of blood donating volunteers were seen outside various hospital, where most of the injured were admitted. By 12 midnight, the hospital had to issue a notification that blood banks were full and they didn't require any more blood. The next day, attendance at schools and office was close to 100%, trains & buses were packed to the brim, the crowds were back.
The city has simply dusted itself off and moved one - perhaps with greater vigour. We are Mumbaikers(Indians) and we live like brothers in times like this. So, do not dare to threaten us with your crackers. The spirit of Mumbai(India)is very strong and can not be harmed.
With Love,
From the people of Mumbai (Bombay) and India
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
World eBookFair
World's first Online Book Fair has started yesterday (4 th July 06). This book fair will be going on for a month. Website claims there are 1/3 million e-books available for free access / download. Those of you, who are interested in readership, can make use of the opportunity.
World eBook Library Catalogs and Collections The World eBook Library Consortia Collection shelves more than 330,000 PDF eBooks in 100+ languages contained in 112 of the finest eBook and eDocument collections published on the Internet today. The mission of the World eBook Library's Acquisition Department is to add new eBooks 24/7 to our shelves.
For Technical E-Books, go to
http://worldebookfair.com/Technical_eBook_Colleciton.htm
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)