The driver is safer when the road is dry,
and the road is safer when the driver is dry.

Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 30s.

Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair
cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

These 2 atoms were walking around when one atom says to the other one,
"hey! I think I lost an electron!" The other atom says "are you sure?"
He replies "yes, I'm positive"

Overheard in a restaurant:
Waitress: Are you very Hungary?
Diner: Yes, Siam.
Waitress: What would you like me to Serbia?
Diner: I'll have a Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee.
Waitress: Would you like anything India coffee?
Diner: Just a Cuba sugar would be fine.
Waitress: Okay, I'll Russia your order.
Diner: I hope the sandwich doesn't have any Greece on it.

I expect that Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man.
---George Meredith

Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"

What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.