Marriage
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Friday, June 23, 2006
The teacher asked the students to bring one elec-
trical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next
day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring? "I
brought a Walkman."
"And what is it for?"
"You can listen to music with it!"
"That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?" "I
brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
"Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't
bring anything!" "Yes, I did. It's in the hall."
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
"Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
"It's a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep
your heart going."
"Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing
this?"
"He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
------------------------------------------------------
The following are the new Windows messages that are under consideration
for
the next version.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit.
Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
BREAKFAST.SYS halted ... Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing ... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted ... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
User Error: Replace user.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)
Welcome to Microsoft's World -- Your Mortgage is Past Due.
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have
been
deleted. The police are on the way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aggravated wife to husband who's hiding behind the newspaper: "You can
stop
saying, 'Uh-huh.' I stopped talking an hour ago."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
----OOPS
A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern
California's wildfires last year. He wanted pictures of the heroic
work the
:firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes. When the
:photographer arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke
Was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make it impossible for
Him to get good photographs from the ground level. He requested
Permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from th air.
His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call
The local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single
Engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
:
:Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a
:hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and
Shouted,:Let's go!"
:
:The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared
Down the :runway Once in the air, the photographer asked, "Can you fly
Over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some
Pictures of the fires on the hillsides?"
:
:"Why?" asked the pilot.
:
:"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded, "and, I
Need to get some good close-up shots."
:
:The pilot was strangely silent for amoment. Finally he
Stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"
A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western
is
on. The husband says to his wife, "I bet you breakfast in bed that the
covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,"
"You're on," returned his wife. They watch the western and sure
enough
the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the
wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray
of
food.
After eating the husband says, "I have to admit that I saw this movie
before."
She in turn confesses, "I saw the movie before too. But I didn't
think
he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a
hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new
technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a
large,
intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would
I
hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
:o)
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of
people
outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was
there.
A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."
"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another month ends ...
* All Targets Met
* All Systems Working
* All Customers Satisfied
* All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic
* All Pigs Fed and Ready to Fly
:-))
Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale.
"No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"
Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."
"No, she isn't," said Johnny.
"How do you know she's not?" asked his mother.
"Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny.
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds,
"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin,come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."
"No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"
Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."
"No, she isn't," said Johnny.
"How do you know she's not?" asked his mother.
"Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny.
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds,
"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin,come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."
Good Ones
A pessimist mourns the future.
"A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes." --Robert Frost
People complain most about things over which they have no control.
Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.
Nothing is as good as it seems beforehand.
Calories are delicious.
The colder the X-ray table the more of you has to be on it.
An object in motion will always be moving in the wrong direction.
If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them livid, tell the truth.
There is something wrong if you're always right.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
People are like tea bags - You never know their strength until they get into hot water.
The easiest crops to grow are weeds and pests.
If you do nothing, nothing will happen. If you do something, something will happen but not necessarily what you intended.
All's war in love and fairness.
Before having a midlife crisis, it's good to have a life.
Life is like snow: you don't know when it will come or how long it will last or how much you will get.
For every reason there is for doing something, there are three for not doing it.
A public telephone is never being used until you have an emergency.
Integrity is like oxygen. The higher you go the less there is.
There's more to life than increasing its speed.
Some is good; more is better; too much is just right.
Life is a do-it-yourself project.
The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.
Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.
Consistency isn't always good especially if you're consistently wrong.
Whenever you need something you can't find it, if you don't need it it's all over.
It isn't the principle of the thing, it's the money.
When you have a pain someplace, everyone will hit you on that spot.
When you try to be sophisticated something will happen to make you look bad.
Never remember what you can afford to forget.
A pessimist mourns the future.
"A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes." --Robert Frost
People complain most about things over which they have no control.
Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.
Nothing is as good as it seems beforehand.
Calories are delicious.
The colder the X-ray table the more of you has to be on it.
An object in motion will always be moving in the wrong direction.
If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them livid, tell the truth.
There is something wrong if you're always right.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
People are like tea bags - You never know their strength until they get into hot water.
The easiest crops to grow are weeds and pests.
If you do nothing, nothing will happen. If you do something, something will happen but not necessarily what you intended.
All's war in love and fairness.
Before having a midlife crisis, it's good to have a life.
Life is like snow: you don't know when it will come or how long it will last or how much you will get.
For every reason there is for doing something, there are three for not doing it.
A public telephone is never being used until you have an emergency.
Integrity is like oxygen. The higher you go the less there is.
There's more to life than increasing its speed.
Some is good; more is better; too much is just right.
Life is a do-it-yourself project.
The person who buys the most raffle tickets has the least chance of winning.
Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.
Consistency isn't always good especially if you're consistently wrong.
Whenever you need something you can't find it, if you don't need it it's all over.
It isn't the principle of the thing, it's the money.
When you have a pain someplace, everyone will hit you on that spot.
When you try to be sophisticated something will happen to make you look bad.
Never remember what you can afford to forget.
When crazy glue was invented lots of people became attached to it.
Undertakers are nice - they're the last to let people down.
If cats could read they would paws after each claws.
A man played the organ in his garden to get organically grown food.
Some people are on seefood diets: they see food ... they eat it.
Those who make sponges get very absorbed in their work.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A sleeping cow is also a bulldozer.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
Undertakers are nice - they're the last to let people down.
If cats could read they would paws after each claws.
A man played the organ in his garden to get organically grown food.
Some people are on seefood diets: they see food ... they eat it.
Those who make sponges get very absorbed in their work.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A sleeping cow is also a bulldozer.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was
no tomorrow.
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was
no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able
to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.
to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
A worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations. The only question asked was:
'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?'
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?'
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.
SHIP Tales
A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
H. 2 American men and 1 American woman
I. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:
A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.
C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.
F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.
G. The two Irish men began by dividing up their part of the island into Northern & Southern parts, and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember the Irish woman because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey; but at least the English are not getting any.
H. The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected Her opinion and treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
I. The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman.
A ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere:
A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
H. 2 American men and 1 American woman
I. 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed:
A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
B. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together.
C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
E. The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and they started swimming.
F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican woman.
G. The two Irish men began by dividing up their part of the island into Northern & Southern parts, and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember the Irish woman because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey; but at least the English are not getting any.
H. The two American men are contemplating suicide. The American woman is bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of the household chores, how her last boyfriend respected Her opinion and treated her much better, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
I. The 2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman.
Mars & Venus on Earth
Here is a great classic that is worth reading, even if you have seen it before.
A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of commitment that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90 day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90 day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
Roger, Elaine says aloud.
What? says Roger, startled.
Please don't torture yourself like this, she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I should never have .. Oh God, I feel so...(She breaks down, sobbing.)
What? says Roger. I'm such a fool, Elaine sobs. I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.
There's no horse? says Roger.
You think I'm a fool, don't you? Elaine says.
No! says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time, Elaine says.
(There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
(There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes" he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger", she says.
"Thank you, Roger", she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, you've known Elaine longer than I have. Did she ever own a horse?"
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Beauty of Maths!
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
Brilliant, isn't it?
And finally, take a look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321
1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
Brilliant, isn't it?
And finally, take a look at this symmetry:
1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=12345678987654321
Some W a c k y Quotes
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
- Albert Einstein
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
- Robert Frost
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
- Jean Cocturan
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Forgive your enemies but remember their names.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Dont worry that the world ends today, its already tomorrow in Australia!
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
- Albert Einstein
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
- Robert Frost
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
- Jean Cocturan
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Forgive your enemies but remember their names.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Dont worry that the world ends today, its already tomorrow in Australia!
The driver is safer when the road is dry,
and the road is safer when the driver is dry.
Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 30s.
Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair
cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
These 2 atoms were walking around when one atom says to the other one,
"hey! I think I lost an electron!" The other atom says "are you sure?"
He replies "yes, I'm positive"
Overheard in a restaurant:
Waitress: Are you very Hungary?
Diner: Yes, Siam.
Waitress: What would you like me to Serbia?
Diner: I'll have a Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee.
Waitress: Would you like anything India coffee?
Diner: Just a Cuba sugar would be fine.
Waitress: Okay, I'll Russia your order.
Diner: I hope the sandwich doesn't have any Greece on it.
I expect that Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man.
---George Meredith
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
and the road is safer when the driver is dry.
Sound travels slowly. Sometimes the things you say when your kids are teenagers don't reach them till they're in their 30s.
Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair
cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
These 2 atoms were walking around when one atom says to the other one,
"hey! I think I lost an electron!" The other atom says "are you sure?"
He replies "yes, I'm positive"
Overheard in a restaurant:
Waitress: Are you very Hungary?
Diner: Yes, Siam.
Waitress: What would you like me to Serbia?
Diner: I'll have a Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee.
Waitress: Would you like anything India coffee?
Diner: Just a Cuba sugar would be fine.
Waitress: Okay, I'll Russia your order.
Diner: I hope the sandwich doesn't have any Greece on it.
I expect that Woman will be the last thing civilized by Man.
---George Meredith
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight path."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight path."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
A Company, feeling it was time for a shape-up, hires a new CEO. The new CEO is determined to rid the company of all unproductive workers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a young chap leaning on a wall and relaxing. The room is full of workers who were busy working, except for this guy. The CEO decides to let his staff know that he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week.........Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, "Here's two weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!". Surprised and in fear, the guy immediately leaves.
Feeling pretty good about having fired his first worker, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me which department that worker belonged to?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He was the Pizza Delivery guy from Domino's."
ForwardSourceID:NT00005ED6
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week.........Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, "Here's two weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!". Surprised and in fear, the guy immediately leaves.
Feeling pretty good about having fired his first worker, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me which department that worker belonged to?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He was the Pizza Delivery guy from Domino's."
ForwardSourceID:NT00005ED6
Here are some more of the Interesting theorems
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Cool Notepad Tip
This is real cool for people who use notepad to write down any info on a day to day basis...
* Create a blank text file with .LOG (in caps) as the first line of the file, followed by a carriage return (Enter) and save this file.
* Double-click the file to open it and notice that Notepad appends the current date and time to the end of the file and places the cursor on the line after.
* Type your notes and then save and close the file.
Each time you open the file, Notepad repeats the process, appending the time and date to the end of the file and placing the cursor below it.
This is real cool for people who use notepad to write down any info on a day to day basis...
* Create a blank text file with .LOG (in caps) as the first line of the file, followed by a carriage return (Enter) and save this file.
* Double-click the file to open it and notice that Notepad appends the current date and time to the end of the file and places the cursor on the line after.
* Type your notes and then save and close the file.
Each time you open the file, Notepad repeats the process, appending the time and date to the end of the file and placing the cursor below it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)